I haven't been this sober since birth.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
