If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
