By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
You are a genius and a whore.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
