I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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