I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
