He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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