Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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