Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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