My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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