If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
