When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
FUCK WHALES
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