my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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