I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
