I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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