the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
