Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
