i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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