I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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