i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
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