I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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