If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
