I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
