How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
