Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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