Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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