Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
