normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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