I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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