Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
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