i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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