he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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