you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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