Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
