Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
