I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
