Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
we're chasing vodka with high fives
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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