Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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