we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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