I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
