She is in my trunk
my phone needs a breathalizer
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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