Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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