I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
