I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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