I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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