I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
