I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
