Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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