My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
