Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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