I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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