I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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