And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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