never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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