My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
