theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize