do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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