Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
