I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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