so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize