If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
