just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
