Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
