I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize