did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
