He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
