You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
