I'm sorry my penis didn't work
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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