my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Randomize
